nnnnnoisy

So I arrived at Mall of Asia with The Mordo and Helga, incredibly late for the Buhay Coke ng Bloggers event at Taste Asia. I was particularly excited because the last two blogging events I attended at Taste Asia involved a lot of unlimited alchohol and food and nobody in his right mind would turn down such an offer.

Despite me wanting to soclialize and all, the memory of that girl who threatened to rip my “right testicle off and throw it into the bowels of Manila Bay” back from the first Taste Asia event daunted me. So I just hung out at the TMB and i.PH table with Mike, Bim, Fritz, Lauren, Liz, Marco, Ozy, Tahn, Cai, Wits, Mica, Yel, Madz, Uretz, Ting, Rico, Jayvee, Phoebe, and Kris.

Also, the TMB table was probably the noisiest of it all, owing to the fact that Bim and Mike were fighting over the affections of any random girl who passes by:

BIM: “Hey there little girl, if you were stuck in a desert island with me, Mike, and a goat, who would you choose?”

The goat won the tally by an impressive lead.
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Hello there, dear reader. My name is Ade. And I run this blog. And I may or may not know you. You might be following my blog since time immemorial, or you may have just stumbled upon it from a couple of links here and there.
Or maybe you’ve stumbled upon my site from Google.

Yes, Google. Now let’s talk. You see, dear reader who got to my site from Google, I’m getting really worried about you.

You see, I’ve been getting a deluge of really weird search terms that are really bordering from “weird” to “just plain fucking disturbing”. No, seriously. I run a humor blog here, dear visitor. I know that somebody mistook my site as pr0n and tagged it accordingly on StumbleUpon, but trust me, I’m trying to make sure my site is as family-friendly and as G-rated as possible.

(Also, by “family-friendly”, I’m talking about these guys, but whatev. Family schmamily. Semantics. Also, by G-rated, I’m talking about the use of shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits as often as possible, because, you know, kids need to start to learn these things early in life.)
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Dear Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator,

So I was standing in the elevator minding my own business, right? And I was busy talking to The Mordo and Helga, minding my own business when your group just came in barging. I counted between 7-10 people. It should’ve been an ordinary crowded elevator moment. But you had to come in, texting and not minding your surroundings and swinging your arms like crazy. Yep, swinging your arms like crazy in a crowded elevator.

Guess where your hand landed.

So, Girl Who Accidentally Touched My Bird in The Elevator, I usually don’t mind. Accidents do happen, you know. But it was really amusing to see you stop in your tracks, freeze for around thirty seconds, panic written accross your face. At this point I was so fucking trying to keep my laughter in. So I decide to do what any other gentleman would do: stare at you and keep the awkwardness up for the long elevator ride from the 25th floor down to the ground floor.
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Guys! May bagong blogger’s event! Look!
Sponsored sya ng Coca-cola Philippines and ng SM Hypermart.

http://aileenapolo.blogspot.com/2008/06/buhay-coke-ng-bloggers-with-sm.html

What: Buhay Coke ng Bloggers with SM Hypermarket (party ito!)
When: June 27, 2008, Friday, 7:00 p.m.
Where: Taste Asia (beside SM Hypermarket) at the Mall of Asia
Why: Para magsaya! Loads of prizes up for grabs!

To join, kindly REGISTER HERE. All bloggers who register and come also get a case of Coke Zero 330ml.

I’m going. What about you guys?

Know what scares me? I’ve been getting these awesometastic bouts of depression lately. I know that you’d probably either go “Oh, look, there’s Ade, overdramatizing again about his trivial problems. Let’s laugh at him!” or “Ade, here’s some Xanax. Please overdose yourself ktnx.” or “Ade, you need to get laid. Hey that rhymes!” or “Look, a pink unicorn!”

And I’m getting pretty scared because it’s coming on to often. But I just usually try to shrug it off by saying “Meh. I shall handle depression like a MAN!” and I’ll hide in my bedroom, burying myself in pillows and sobbing my eyes off while eating my second bucketful of KFC Chicken.

But to make me feel better I kinda had long talks with Kring and Sorsi (yeah, yeah, Sorsi’s the girl who makes me depressed and suicidal everytime I talk to her, yadda yadda. I was desperate.) and thanks to them I was able to cheer up. Also, I think Sorsi would make buttloads of cash if she ever does choose to take up life coaching as a career.
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Dinosaurus Rex
by Nathaniel Owen

My friend Charles was digging in my backyard one day when he found dinosaur bones. "Wow. It looks like most of these bones haven't even been discovered by scientists yet!" said Charles. "Plus, there's a big giant T. Rex in here!" We took the bones to Mr. Mack, my science teacher. "Boys, there is enough DNA in these to kae a zoo of dinosaurs. Would you like to run that zoo?"

Yes sir! Mr. Mack used science to create the dinosaurs for us. After winning a first prize in the science fair, the principal said we were done school. "You are zookeepers now. Just don't let T. Rex eat my son Jimmy!" But secretly the T. Rex was going to eat Jimmy because Jimmy uses a machine to breathe and has trouble pronouncing words.

One day the dinosaurs escaped and killed everyone.


Thanks, Rei, for emailing this

Little-known fact about me: I used to be part of UST’s Campus Ministry back in college. Yes, I used to volunteer and facilitate recollections, retreats, and similar activities. And yes, I also stood on stage and danced some charismatic songs in front of freshmen. And talked about Jesus and his love. A lot.

… Shut up.
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INNER CHILD: Geez, you look horrible. What’s up?
ME: … I can’t write.
INNER CHILD: Seriously?
ME: Yeah.
INNER CHILD: No way. Writer’s block much?
ME: Yes, okay? Now get off my back and stop badgering me.
INNER CHILD: You’re mean.
ME: No, seriously. I’ve been staring at this goddamn laptop for days already and I can’t come up with anything decent. So please stop bugging me okay?
INNER CHILD: You’ve been staring at the laptop for… days?
ME: Of course I was exaggerating.
INNER CHILD: Did you take a bath or something?
ME: I… uh, WHAT?
INNER CHILD: Coz you’re on computer for days!
ME: I told you, I was exagg-
INNER CHILD: LOLOLOLOLOLOL!11
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I got this very, very interesting piece of news over at the Nigerian Tribune:

WHAT could be described as a fairy tale turned real on Wednesday in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, as a cat allegedly turned into a middle-aged woman after being hit by a commercial motorcycle (Okada) on Aba/Port Harcourt Expressway.

Nigerian Tribune learnt that three cats were crossing the busy road when the okada ran over one of them which immediately turned into a woman. This strange occurrence quickly attracted people around who descended on the animals. One of them, it was learnt, was able to escape while the third one was beaten to death, still as a cat though.

According to a source who witnessed what happened, the cat-woman said she and the two other cat-fellows had travelled from Abuja to Port Harcourt to kill three people. “The woman said they came to Port Harcourt from Abuja and that they came to kill three people. She said they had succeeded in killing two people, but the third person, whom I guess might be a pastor, was difficult for them and that they were preparing to go back to Abuja,” said the source.

…Right.

Let me stop for a moment and let it sink first. Think about it. An assassin. A cat assassin. A cat assassin that turns into a woman. A cat assassin woman being given police protection to prevent the mob from getting to her.

I know. ZOMGOMGWTFRITE?

A cat turning into Halle Berry. I totally believe.
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I’ve always thought of myself as the most patient person in the world. No, seriously. Just ask my ex girlfriends. (Kidding, ladies. Please don’t kill me) But I’m becoming really, as in really, cranky and short-tempered as of late and it’s starting to worry me.

Take this incident from last week, for instance. I was running late for work and I had to go through another astoundingly mind-numbing human crush over at the legendary MRT morning rush. There have been fables of casualties there, my cellphone being one of them. Anyway, imagine going through a human stampede on a daily basis, plus having to deal with various armpits and the whole gamut of bodily odors can really take its toll.
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