nnnnnoisy

Mike: This movie sucks.
Bim: Why so? The visuals are awesome!
Mike: Exactly. It's all visual. The story sucks.
Bim: Who cares about the story? Cinematics are great, and that's all that matters.
Mike: It's like cinematic masturbation!
Bim: Don't you like masturbation?
Mike: Not the cinematic kind.

INT. Heorot, ancient Denmark. Inside a great hall, where people are naked, getting drunk, having hot torrid sex, and acting like total douchebags. Yes, this is a children’s film. Enjoy.

SCENE: GRENDEL, a horribly disfigured creature, crashes into the hall.

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Fortune Teller: Good fortune awaits you, my good man. You’ll travel to various places like France, London, San Francisco, Somalia, Zanzibar, Alaska… and you’ll have homes in each and every one of those places. Also, this blog of yours will strike gold and make you famous!

Me: Wow. You’re not kidding me, are you?

Fortune Teller: I kid not. It also says here that you’ll make it big and earn billions of pesos and you’ll end up as one of the richest men in the Philippines in five years’ time!

Me: No way.

Fortune Teller: Afterwards, you’ll take five years traveling and meditating in India, where you’ll discover fire, be enlightened, and become a guru. Then you’ll write a best-seller named “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People — In Yoga!”. Also, you’ll be as thin as Gandhi. And you’ll also change your name to “Mohandas”. Then you’ll become a big Bollywood star.

Me: Okaaaaaay.

Fortune Teller: And when you’re finished with your obsession with Indians, meditation, yoga, and self-help, you’ll migrate to New York, where you’d make enough capital to launch Microsoft. Then you’d invent necessities such as the vaccum cleaner and the iPod. And when you get bored with all the money you will earn, you’ll hide away in a secluded log cabin and invent the internet!

Me: Holy shit… really?

Fortune Teller: OH MY GOD YOU ARE SUCH AN AWESOME! Father my children!!11

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Dear DtH,

I’ve been on a more-than-usual misery trip, and this led to me being depressed (more than usual) for quite some time, for no apparent reason. Okay, I actually ran out of black eyeliner, but do you really need a reason for misery?

So yeah, I was feeling sulkier than usual. And since I’ve never tried the arcane art of making oneself bleed, I decided to have a go at it. I grabbed a really sharp knife from the kitchen, hid in my room, and in the midst of the music of Panic! At the Disco, I gave my flesh a nice, stinging jab from the sharp edge of the knife.

And it hurt.

I know most people would say that the pain outside only dulls the pain inside, No. It hurt like hell, DtH. It hurt like hell. I screamed, woke up my parents who were sleeping in the next room, and begged them to rush me to the hospital to give me a Tetanus shot.

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I know what you're thinking: "Game Boy? This Ade guy, what a left behind. We have the Nintendo DS now, stupet." Yeah, the DS is awesomemiffic. But what does it stand against a Game Boy made in solid 18K gold and with a diamond-studded screen?

Yes, this first-generation baby plays all the games we all love, like Tetris, Pokemon (Yellow Edition), Super Mario World, and all those 64-in-one cartridges which we all love and abuse. And even though it's made out of 18K gold, it'll still eat up AA batteries as fast as my staying power in bed. Um, wait. No.

Yes, you can play this two-color 8-bit game for only $25,000. What a bargain!

Dear DtH,

I've been on a more-than-usual misery trip, and this led to me being depressed (more than usual) for quite some time, for no apparent reason. Okay, I actually ran out of black eyeliner, but do you really need a reason for misery?

So yeah, I was feeling sulkier than usual. And since I've never tried the arcane art of making oneself bleed, I decided to have a go at it. I grabbed a really sharp knife from the kitchen, hid in my room, and in the midst of the music of Panic! At the Disco, I gave my flesh a nice, stinging jab from the sharp edge of the knife.

And it hurt.

I know most people would say that the pain outside only dulls the pain inside, No. It hurt like hell, DtH. It hurt like hell. I screamed, woke up my parents who were sleeping in the next room, and begged them to rush me to the hospital to give me a Tetanus shot. After hours of begging, I finally made them take me to the E.R., only to realize I have a fear of needles and I faint at the sight of them. No more self-inflicted injury for me, nosiree.

Now I have a five-millimeter long wound at my left arm and I gently change the Winnie-the-Pooh band-aid on it everyday. Religiously. And I cry when I change my bandages, because they hurt on the inside. Since I have proven to the world how much of a wimp I am, does that make me a true-blooded emo?

- ~eMoBoi~


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Oi Hermione! Mainit ulo ko. Wag ka munang ma-chenes. At baka—

O sige. Baka ano? Ikaw, minsan talaga, ang sarap mong kutusan—

...



HUWAW.

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Name: Ade Magnaye
Hometown: The Wonderful City of Quezon… City
Birthday: April 23, 1983
Zodiac Sign: Red Bull
Motto: Ang balat nito ay genuine, international pa ang mga design.

Describe yourself.

I’m Ade, TMB’s resident “guy everyone picks on and make fun of because he’s a fattie. And effeminate. No, not gay. Just gay enough.” Back when I was seven I stood on a stage in front of two hundred people and sang “Tomorrow” by Barbara Streisand. That scarred me for life, and now I can never ever see Barbara Streisand’s picture without going into an epileptic fit.

That’s probably the only memorable event from my childhood, because the rest is just a monotonous blur of school, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles porn, and my head being dunked into a toilet bowl. Read more